It's a kind of sweet sadness

Oh, you guys. The summer's almost over. I hate when summer's over. Last week I was kind of looking forward to school, and seeing you guys every day, well, except Laura and Lekey :'(

But now I'm realizing how much I'll miss doing nothing all day, and sleeping forever, and staying up late drawing and reading, oh I'll miss all of it. The cicadas want me to stay free with them forever but I can't do it.

I want to lay under the stars and recognize the Dolphin and the Swan and Draco and the Eagle like we did in Quebec. I want to jump in Woodward Reservoir and explore little stores like I did in Vermont. I want to dance by the Pacific Ocean and watch rocks float like I did in Oregon. I want to hear people sleep-talk like I did in North Carolina. And I want to stay up late being crazy with my friends like I did in Kentucky.

But I think this year will be a good year. I have a feeling about it. January 1 is not when my new year starts, no, it's August 11. And I want to be different. I don't want to retreat into my hair when things go wrong, I want to fix them. I don't want to move through school in my own entranced mind, I want to be present. And I don't want to let any of you get away from me like you did last year.

I am wildly tired right now, so I'll conclude.

Be with me, be in the moment, be human, be kind.

I love you.

Don't you remember?

Where have I gone?

I am nowhere.

Who am I?

I am no one.

What am I?

I am nothing.

Why, oh why?

Nobody knows.

When will this end?

It never will.

How long can this last?

It will go on forever.

An impromptu poem. It rather sums up how I felt most of today.

I hate being mood-swingy. I hate laughing one minute and crying the next. I'm not even PMSing.

We all know what's wrong. But we don't know why it affects me so much.

It's because I miss how it was. I miss the bad too. Don't you remember?

We belong to the light, we belong to the thunder

We belong to the sound of the words we've both fallen under

Whatever we deny or embrace for worse or for better

We belong, we belong together...

Don't you remember? At least Laura? Don't you remember?

How can that go away?

How can we stop belonging?

Don't you remember?

Don't you remember finding ghosts in Laura's basement, six of them, with pencils?

And discovering that the room in DC wasn't 1413 byt 1313? And Mrs. Schloemer didn't believe us. Remember?

Remember when the customer service lady at AT&T asked if we were small children, or her friends?

Remember when we watched the Breakfast Club?

Remember when we had to yell at Heather a million times to get off the phone?

Remember initiating Kaylyn on the trampoline?

Remember when Heather had to leave in the middle of a sleepover and we sang our nerves away?

"Make me an angel, that flies from Montgomery... Just give me one thing that I can hold on to..."

Don't you remember?

Now I've lost all that, I've lost those times forever. If real sisters fought over a boy, they wouldn't have any option but to reconcile. What does that tell you?

When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears...

Never again? We still have three and a half years together. You never know what can happen.

Do you know what I wish for at 11:11?

Do you know what I cry about every time I hear My Immortal?

I've always wanted to have nothing to wish for.

I don't think that will ever happen again. 

I feel like we are a hollow shell of what we were. 

Like someone took our insides out. Like were one of those really good truffles, and someone broke us in half, scooped out our filling, and stuck the shell back together.

Maybe that's just what I feel like. 

Since I'm not sure what "we" are anymore, and who is Phunk and who isn't.

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry I've opened old wounds, but for me it's more like an infection that won't go away. It's there, sometimes I forget about it, but it's always there. 

I need you. 

Я огорченн.

Ya ogorchenn.

I'm sorry.

A Wordle.