And what you are is beautiful

NononononNO!

Why does everything have to go wrong on the same day and why the FUCK can't I do anything about it!

Don't make me cry. Don't do it.

You think we don't care, when we just have no idea what to do?

You think we're choosing SAYF over you? I can't speak for everyone else, but honestly I'm only going to SAYF because I feel like it's expected of me.

I don't know what to say. I can't believe you could even imagine we don't care.

Not caring is the most frightening thing that has happened to me recently.

I don't know why, but on Sunday I was completely apathetic to everything. That's why none of you saw me that day. Because I didn't care.

Luckily I woke up on Monday caring. Then I discovered not caring is so much easier. But it's a human thing, to care. That's probably why life is hard: because we care.

Please don't accuse me of not caring. I don't want to go back there.

Do you really think you've never broken anyone's heart?

Whatever I did, I'm sorry. There's only one thing worse than someone you love being sad, and that is feeling like it's your fault.

I don't want anyone else to feel as isolated as I do sometimes. I don't ever want people I love to doubt that I do.

God, I really don't know what to do about this and I hate that.

Just remember this: There isn't a single one of you that I could live without.

We belong to the light, we belong to the thunder.

I BEAT THEM ALL

So...

I feel like I need to do a draft.

Laura and Lekey know what it is that I'm talking about. I don't think Braden does.

But yeah, I don't want the whole world to see it. So check the drafts.

Today made me cry. Yesterday made me cry. Sunday made me cry.

Maybe I won't cry tomorrow. 

It might be just that it's that time of the month.

But I am seriously mood-swingy lately.

I'm sorry. 

It's too bad we didn't get to hang out at the library today, because of that meeting thing. 

I was lonely, and I didn't feel like disturbing whatever you guys were doing.

So yeah. On the bright side, I got first place on Saturday!

I was more psyched than last year, mostly because it was against people who were 1, 2 and 3 years older than me and I STILL BEAT THEM ALL!

I really didn't get that high of a score. Only a 30.

So I've gotta study for the next one.

So, off to the drafts.

Homecoming a la Taylor!

So raise your hand if you think the dance was excellent!

*raises hand*

I must say that was like the best ever dance I've ever ever been to!

Laura, I'm sorry things didn't work... :( there's always next year... if something doesn't happen before then :D

But I CAME IN ON SOULJA BOY AGAIN! 

There was only ONE DANCE out of the, uh... five I went to last year that I didn't come in on Soulja Boy! SUPE SOAK THAT HO! ew.

What else... Um, Lekey, I'm glad you are relieved and that things worked out. AND THAT YOU WON! I love proving that non-preppy people can win the popular vote of our grade! 

Haha there was a fire drill. LOL.

Anyways. Um, and yeah. 

So. 

Then me and Terra and LekLek stayed up real late and it was fun but my radio turned on at 6 in the morning and it played thanks for the memories. So that's fun. 

Um

And Terra tickled me. 

That's all! 

I'm done! 

HAHAH

The Farewell Post

I have nothing to say.

Maybe it's better that way. I don't seem to have the ability to cheer people up these days.

Maybe...

Maybe I should quit posting for a while.

I know it seems ridiculous, but what's the use? Why should we have to post on a blog to talk to each other? 

So I'm going to try this, and if I seriously need to post something I can't talk about, I will. But really. If we can share with God and everyone, why can't we share with each other? The only real use this should be is for drafts. So we can share stuff we don't want to talk about at school, which seems to be the only place we see each other any more. 

So, I'm quitting the blog for a while. Good luck with your religious issues. I don't know if I'll still read the blog. Maybe not, so that you guys have to talk to me. But anyways, I hope you can make your moms see the light. (Haha, cuz we're Quakers, and the light... Ok so maybe only Lekey will get it...)

Bye.

I'm sorry. I say  that a lot, don't I. It's because nobody else really does, I guess. 

Maybe I get it from Tim. 

I love you all, but this is getting on my nerves.

I want you.

I miss you.

I need you.

I love you.

Don't you remember?

Where have I gone?

I am nowhere.

Who am I?

I am no one.

What am I?

I am nothing.

Why, oh why?

Nobody knows.

When will this end?

It never will.

How long can this last?

It will go on forever.

An impromptu poem. It rather sums up how I felt most of today.

I hate being mood-swingy. I hate laughing one minute and crying the next. I'm not even PMSing.

We all know what's wrong. But we don't know why it affects me so much.

It's because I miss how it was. I miss the bad too. Don't you remember?

We belong to the light, we belong to the thunder

We belong to the sound of the words we've both fallen under

Whatever we deny or embrace for worse or for better

We belong, we belong together...

Don't you remember? At least Laura? Don't you remember?

How can that go away?

How can we stop belonging?

Don't you remember?

Don't you remember finding ghosts in Laura's basement, six of them, with pencils?

And discovering that the room in DC wasn't 1413 byt 1313? And Mrs. Schloemer didn't believe us. Remember?

Remember when the customer service lady at AT&T asked if we were small children, or her friends?

Remember when we watched the Breakfast Club?

Remember when we had to yell at Heather a million times to get off the phone?

Remember initiating Kaylyn on the trampoline?

Remember when Heather had to leave in the middle of a sleepover and we sang our nerves away?

"Make me an angel, that flies from Montgomery... Just give me one thing that I can hold on to..."

Don't you remember?

Now I've lost all that, I've lost those times forever. If real sisters fought over a boy, they wouldn't have any option but to reconcile. What does that tell you?

When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears...

Never again? We still have three and a half years together. You never know what can happen.

Do you know what I wish for at 11:11?

Do you know what I cry about every time I hear My Immortal?

I've always wanted to have nothing to wish for.

I don't think that will ever happen again. 

I feel like we are a hollow shell of what we were. 

Like someone took our insides out. Like were one of those really good truffles, and someone broke us in half, scooped out our filling, and stuck the shell back together.

Maybe that's just what I feel like. 

Since I'm not sure what "we" are anymore, and who is Phunk and who isn't.

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry I've opened old wounds, but for me it's more like an infection that won't go away. It's there, sometimes I forget about it, but it's always there. 

I need you. 

Я огорченн.

Ya ogorchenn.

I'm sorry.

A Wordle.

Please, Sorry, Energy, I love you.

Heather, your song is beautiful. Does it have music? I like it. It honestly made me start tearing up. Of course that was helped along by Hannah's post.

Hannah, please don't call someone I love a bitch. I'm sure Lekey would agree with me. I can't really talk about it here, but please don't. PLEASE. I know I called someone else a bitch, but I knew none of you would really mind. Please don't get mad at me, but it really makes me uncomfortable when you call her that, or talk badly about her, because I wouldn't talk about your friends like that and I really wish you wouldn't. PLEASE don't take this the wrong way. I love you, I love her, I have problems when my friends don't like each other. Okay, I'm done with all my pleases. <3

I wish I could help all of us be happy. I know at least two of us are as happy as they can be, and some of us aren't. I really wish we all could be as happy as you guys. The rest of us need to be happy because they're happy. Remember that if it were the other way around, they would be happy for you. So be happy that they're happy, at least. Yes, I know I'm referring to Heather and Lekey as if I weren't happy. I'm not as happy as I could be, but it's getting there. Hannah, remember that not all relationships are beds of roses.

I hope my energy helped on Friday night. I tried my best to spread positive energy into you guys. I think it worked, unless it was just that romantic comedy vibe that cheered us all up. Maybe I'll explain more about the energy thing in person. It's kind of like Laura's aura thing. Teehee! Laura's auras! That should be a company. Like Taylor's Tailor, Hannah's Bananas, Heather's Feathers, Kaylyns, Mail-ins, and Lekey's.... um... Ecky-nomics? That's stretching it.... Hmmm....

I am leaving, I am leaving, but the fighter still remains!

And remember, if they hurt you, they hurt me too. 'Cause it's all about us.

-Make sure you belong to yourself, because if you don't belong to yourself, how can you belong to anyone else?

I really am Laura's apprentice!