My Christmas presents!

Merry Christmas!!!!

I gots:
~ Glee: Season 1
~ Eclipse
~ Vampires Suck
~ Socks and underwear
~ Popcorn
~ an ALC sweatshirt
~ a laptop cooling pad
~ An iHOME!

Merry Christmas!

So guess what guys IT'S CHRISTMAS

My Gram hasn't come yet so we haven't opened presents from her but...

I got a KitchenAid. You know, like the mixer. It's shiny and beautiful and I reallyreally like itttt

Also a pastry bag/tips for frosting. YAY

My dad for some reason got me three purple bandannas... Yay?

I got a new hairbrush and lotions and chapstick and stuff in my stocking. :)

But yesterday was the real fun, that whole thing at Union Church and then the Saderholms! It's so nice to see Maurice again after all that time, I think I remember why I liked him once upon a time. It was just so nice to be with people on Christmas Eve, and run through the streets yelling SNOH with Lekey. I LOVE CHRISTMAS! YAYYYYY

Well I don't have much else to do today. Maybe I'll make something with my MIXER!

I think I'm falling for somebody....

You know who it is!

I think I'm falling for him.

We were over at Sibyl's, watching Easy A, and we sat next to each other on a love seat, and he was cold, so he clung to me a little. I felt something that I don't recall ever feeling. It wasn't in my pants. I guess you could say it was in my heart. ;)

For Someone.

If there's a place that I could be
Then I'd be another memory
Can I be the only hope for you?
Because you're the only hope for me
And if we can't find where we belong
We'll have to make it on our own
Face all the pain and take it on
Because the only hope for me is you

I want to forget everything.

I want to forget Freshman year.

I want to forget all the shitty people I associate with.

I want to forget all the people I've hurt.

I want to forget all the people that have hurt me.

I just want to forget.

I'm tired of being everyone's punching bag.

I hate all the people that sit there and talk shit about me.

I hate the people that make fun of me, whether it's my hair, what I wear, what I think, I hate them.

I'm tired of being a failure, and letting everyone down.

I'm basically useless to everyone around me.

And I hate this feeling.

And I'm sure as hell tired of feeling alone.

I swear, if I had the courage, I would end it.

End all this rage, depression, uselessness.

I'm just tired of everything, and everyone.

And I want it to end.

Opening Night... or not.

Well. I guess that's it. Today's show was canceled, and there's nothing anyone can do anymore. It would've been over by now anyway.

So I managed to get the lead in a play, and we're only doing 2 and a half shows. Why did the Oz people get to do like seven? I know, it must have been stressful or whatever, but they got to do their thing lots of times for lots of people. And I know there will be other shows in the future. But not this one, with these people, and this costume, and these songs. Not this show.

I pray there is school tomorrow, because I want to do the school performance more than anything. I want to show the school the real me. I want them to see the Taylor who will sew herself a red dress and get up on stage and drink gin and sing at the top of her lungs. Nobody knows that me. They know the me who wears pretty little dresses and sits silent in classes drawing and mumbles when you ask her a question. That's not the real me.

This me comes from a childhood of making up my own stories to act out, a childhood of New Year's parties where we played Harry Potter while we waited for midnight, and we made up characters like Snape's daughter who gave out candy just because there was candy and we were tired of pretending to be men. I spent half my life pretending to be other people; why shouldn't I be able to translate that into acting?

Forgive me for this little diatribe. I've been feeling so icky and spacey and hopeless today, all I could do was to curl up with a book all day. Did I mention I hate winter?

And I think I deserve a selfish post. Others of us certainly seem to believe it's okay.

I know what it's like....

I've been there for about 17 years now, and I can tell you that 17 years may seem like a long time, but it's still young.
It's different for everybody. You just have to let it come when it comes. Worry about what's going on now and it'll be here before you know it, like Christmas, except it'll last a lot longer.

I've been patient too. I've waited forever. I still have to wait. It's okay. It WILL happen. Maybe not tomorrow or before 2010 is over, but it will happen.

Remember we live in Berea. There's a lot of the world we haven't seen yet.

Oh what, really?

So, it has now been put in my sights that I'm (almost.) about to be the ONLY ONE out of the phunk that hasn't had a boyfriend....

Welp. Do I need to post the picture again?

I don't think so.

But tomorrow, for those that will see me. (That is, if we don't have another snow day.)

JUST TAKE A LOOK AT ALL OF THE FUCKS I WILL BE GIVING.

None.

Do you guys think I'm being selfish?

Stubborn?

A bitch?

Impatient, even?

Deal with it.

I've been patient.

And I'm tired of it.

When am I going to have my turn?

Fuck it.

So....

This might be a sign.

Laura has a boyfriend.

I think I'm about to get one (we just need to hang out more and make it official).

Soon we all would have had one.

We just need to be patient and just live life. I heard it's better to wait for them to come, rather than to find them. Well it worked for me, so it must work for other people.

What, I'm the only one out of my girl friends that hasn't had a boyfriend?

Welp.

It looks like I have another case of "I wanna be happy for you, but I can't because of my own selfish reasons."

This has been a post. :|