So. First, to all of you. I want to tell you everything. I want to gather all of you 'round and tell you about my last six months and cry and be comforted and loved. It's been too long since someone other than my mom has held me while I cry. There are things I haven't told anyone in the world that I want to tell you all. I'll do it, but only if we're all there. I want you to know what's going on in my head because it gets awful lonely in here. And I think if I tell you, I'll be certain about it. I'm sorry for being so cryptic. But it's something I have to tell you in person.
To Hannah, who I seem to be the most wishy-washy about.
We can't seem to stay away from each other, can we? We're kind of bad at being friends sometimes but we laugh at the same things and cry at the same things and sometimes we think the same way. There are plenty of things we don't like about each other but even if we both decided we never want to see each other again it wouldn't be possible because we have mostly the same friends. I know I said some things that I regret and a lot of things that I don't, but I'm glad we can still be friendly toward each other after all this time. Someday I will say these things to you in person but for now this will have to suffice.
To Heather, the one who shares my stupidity :)
You, my friend, are a really fun person. I love being absolutely dumb with you and not caring who sees. We have a hell of a lot of fun together and I love that. You're also on my level when it comes to the important things. We've felt the same way about the world, if it was at different times in our respective lives. But I can't help thinking there are a lot of things you aren't telling us, and some things that you exaggerate on. I wish you felt like you could be totally truthful with your closest friends. You know we wouldn't love you any less for it. There is so much I want to ask you and so many things I want to tell you, not to mention all the fun and silly things I want to do with you. Stay with me.
To Laura, the one who got me through high school math.
I honestly don't think I would have 4 math credits right now if it weren't for you. You know so much, and not just about academic things. You've taught me about the extrasensory and helped me believe in things. You're quietly strong and nobody can make you do stuff you don't want to do. I admit that sometimes I think you're stubborn, or somehow artificial, although I know that's just your outer facade. You're a real person on the inside, not a robot like we used to joke, and I wish you'd let it show more often. I can count the people who've held me while I cried on one hand, and that includes you (also Kaylyn). You don't need to hold yourself inside so much; we want to know who you are.
To Kaylyn, the one who is my optimist.
I never tire of your company. Sure, we don't have the same views on much, but that doesn't matter. You're always around making people happy with your cute little voice and helpful nature. I know there is a lot going on in your life that would bring most people down, but you don't seem to know it. You're a hard worker and a hopeless romantic! One day you will find someone who realizes that under the bubblehead exterior, you're the most loving person ever. Stay true to yourself, and you can open up to us.
To Braden, the best guy friend a girl could wish for.
You are such a wonderful person! I love being able to chat you like "OMG HOT GUY" and then having an entire conversation. We have some good times, man. You're such an extrovert and you don't hold anything back. You say exactly what you think, and although that sometimes makes me cringe, it's you and I kind of envy that ability. You're going to be really important one day because of how you're a people person and you speak from your heart. You're one of the few people who I don't ever feel like I'm being fake with. If you ever have a problem, talk to us, because you know we don't judge you.
To Lekey, the one who I have many heart-to-hearts with.
Darling you have gotten me through so much. There have been times when I'm absolutely full of hatred and anger toward the entire world, and then you're there for me to vent to, and I feel better. Don't underestimate your importance in other people's lives. I know I've heard you say your biggest challenge is being authentic. Honestly, you are one of the most real people I've ever met. Sometimes I get a little jealous of how easily you exist in this world that I'm so afraid of. I hope you never lose that ability, to identify with anyone and lessen others' pain just by listening.
Sheww. I'm surprising myself how honest I'm being. It's much easier over the internet, with a keyboard rather than a voicebox. I really really want to be able to just talk to you, all of you, late into the night. I want you to ask me, "What's wrong?" And listen, give me time to voice it. I miss you all so much. I think we should keep this blog like it used to be. We used to talk so much more about our feelings and not all this superficial 'what-did-you-do-today' stuff.
And I love every one of you, even if you can't always tell. You don't know how much you impact me.
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