Just this.

Life, it seems, will fade away
Drifting further every day
Getting lost within myself
Nothing matters, no one else

I have lost the will to live
Simply nothing more to give
There is nothing more for me
Need the end to set me free

Things not what they used to be
Missing one inside of me
Deathly lost, this can't be real
Can't stand this hell I feel

Emptiness is filling me
To the point of agony
Growing darkness taking dawn
I was me, but now he's gone

No one but me can save myself, but it's too late
Now I can't think, think why I should even try

Yesterday seems as though it never existed
Death greets me warm, now I will just say goodbye.

Epiphany, Round Two

So, one time in English, Heather and I were vaguely talking about epiphanies, and I mentioned that I'd had one that I wished would be cancelled out by another.

Well, it has.

The first one, as you might realize, was (back in November) that I was in love with Tim again. That obviously didn't turn out so well for me, and I've been waiting to stop feeling that way about him. And waiting. You all know that we were "friends with benefits" starting in March.

I can partly thank Dylan for this because he was the one who came and sat beside me in Drama and asked what was going on with us and I told him and he said that's fine if you're both okay with it. And he's so smart, or maybe he's no smarter than anyone except he's not afraid to say what he knows. In any case I realized that no, I'm not okay with it and yes, I really want more and no, it's not going to happen.

And then we met up in private on Tuesday and it wasn't any good and I went to bed not needing him. Not wanting him. Not like that. And I have been happy for the rest of this week.

I think I am finally over him. I don't know if it will stay this way. I thought I was over him last June. But for now he is my friend. Possibly still with benefits, but the benefits will not be to satiate my vivid memory of being loved.

I will talk about Matt Ruffner some other time. I don't think some of you even know he exists.

This.

There's a reason I posted this. And if you want to know ask me.

I've tried typing it, but everytime I tried, my computer ended up fucking up and going back a page, or everything got deleted. So, I got tired of typing the same thing over and over again.

Just listen to the song, it's amazing. And it just gave me my first epiphany.

Thank you, Metallica, for pretty much saving my life.

-Hannah

xo

I hate, hate, HATE.

When I want more than anything to be happy for someone, but then I just end up sorry for myself. I have no idea why I do that, I would love to be happy for a friend who is happy, but then I realize that they have something I don't have.

Yes, I know I'm very selfish, and among my many flaws, this is the one I hate the most.

And it's not for my own selfish reasons that I'm kind of upset.

...

So anyway, as some of us know, Delaney and Zack are dating, officially.

And as happy as I want to be for them. I just can't be. One, my selfishness prevents me from that.

And... Delaney is one of Reona's best friend's, and Reona, REALLY likes Zack. And I feel so awful for her, because as you all know. I've been in this position. And just feel as if I stick beside Reona, because, yeah I want her to know that there's someone here that does know what this is like.

Anyway. Yeah, you guys probably know about my own selfish reasons, so I won't waste your time by ranting about it.

I'm out. Talk to you guys later.

-Hannah

xo

Excited

Dude so I'm kinda getting pumped for Hannah's party :) I don't have anything extremely exciting to say but I haven't posted in like FOREVER so here it is, a post. How about some music?  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IXdNnw99-Ic

A cute picture next maybe?

No? How about a sexy one?

Or two?

Yeah I though you'd like that.

How long has it been since I posted something MyChem related?

Almost a year? OKAY THEN. THEN AN MCR POST IS OVER DUE.

So, the new alum comes out Nov. 22nd.

It's title?

DANGER DAYS: THE TRUE LIVES OF THE FABULOUS KILL JOYS.

I'm stoked.

So while getting back into the swing of things.

(Listening to previous albums, looking at picture, reading interviews, ect.)

I FOUND THIS.

NICE SWEATER VEST, GERARD.

Jesus, I totally forgot about my love for this man. Mhmm. So, I'll be all CHEM'D OUT for the next two months.

I've never been so excited for something in my life, you have no idea. :]

-Hannah

xo

Another fanfiction related post.

What.
Just what.

So Metallica fanfiction is the best.
I love the idea of Lars adoring Lady Gaga.
And I love smut where James/Lars are doin the dirty and "Bad Romance" comes on the radio and Lars is all :DDD and James is all "GOD DAMN IT."

Because I just die of laughter.
I'm sorry that my last two posts have been Smut-related.
Maybe the next time I post I'll have something important to say.
Or maybe not. YOU'LL NEVER KNOWWW.
and I didn't download "Bad Romance" because of this whole thing. Fuck.

Sigh sigh sigh....

What I like about cheering: it's different from what I've done in high school and it teaches you hard work and dedication (mostly for me), and football games are okay.

What I don't like about cheering: competition team takes up SO MUCH TIME in my week (I've been staying up to 11:30 and/or 12 finishing homework, I feel cut off from you guys, I hardly even see Taylor), it's gotten me hurt twice (a third time, and I'm done competing), I have to miss SAYF for it, and there are days where I have to rush to get there.....I HIGHLY DISLIKE IT!

I mean, I'm completely fine with varsity, it's just competition team that's the worry. I'm sticking with it because things may get better for me.....and there's a chance I could become a National Champion......and after Nationals....the season is over.


But there are some things that are more important to me because I have done them a lot longer than cheering (i.e academic team, band, and SAYF). So if I do get injured, I have a clear idea of what I'd do to prevent another injury from happening.....and that decision involves going to SAYF and actually feeling like I have a life!

So anyway, I'll stick with it. I'm not just gonna quit. Something has to happen first.

Sickness

I hate being sick. okay so, I get to miss school. But when you're sick to your stomach, it's like you can't remember ever feeling okay. I mean, at least when it's a respiratory thing you can still eat. Ick.

Anyway. I've been drifting through school like I usually do. Walking through the halls for me is a strange experience. They can't touch me, they are separate from me. It's not like being in a bubble though. I can't describe it. It is as if they are water and I am a marble slipping smoothly through them.

I am tired of being his part-time lover. It is wonderful when it happens but the rest of the time I feel cast aside and unwanted. He hugs everyone except me. He loves everyone except me. Does that seem fair? But there is someone else. Perhaps he needs to learn a lesson in jealousy, if he's even capable of it anymore.

Laura, I miss you. I am going to mail you a letter as soon as I am finished with this post.

Braden, do what your heart wants, unless it hurts the rest of you. If cheerleading is not what you want, do what you love.

Heather, it's been far too long since we've had a heartfelt sleepover. Let's fix that?

Lekey, I need to see you more often. You are a salve for the wounds of the institution.

Hannah, you were my epiphany. I'll let you read it someday.

I hope desperately to feel better soon. I ate 6 saltines and they have not expressed interest in coming back up. I am hopeful.

P.S. Here is the Adam Lambert song I like. Apparently it's a cover of an unreleased Muse song. I recommend looking up the Muse version, it's equally awesome.

It's nice to know that...

All I'll ever be to the guys at our school is just a toy for their own amusement.

So.

My playlist is weird when I read smut.
I'm reading this really steamy James/Lars fic right now and "Chasing Cars" by Snow Patrol starts playing, and... I start bawling. What? I mean seriously. Smut + Snow Patrol = Tears? Interesting, I guess you can relate EVERYTHING to sex.

SAYF woes....

After one year and a half, I have only missed one retreat since I have been going to SAYF. I am going to have to go to half of the retreats this year. I'm NOT cool with that.

I'm not liking cheering because of it. I haven't been liking it as much as I thought because of how the sport is, anyway. I've decided if I were to get injured, I'd not compete. I don't want to get injured again, for one, and I want to go to SAYF.....and competition team gets in the way of that. Competition team is pretty much the reason why I'm slightly regretting my decision of joining. I was so excited to be going to Chattanooga in November, and I'm not going to be able to go because it's the weekend before our first competition. Ugh.

I'm not going to see any of the other SAYFers until January....and then after that....April.
I'm pretty okay with missing October for Homecoming. We only have four of those left, so yeah.

Worship sharing Saturday night was lovely. I shared all of this with everybody...and in my epistle. The only thing that got me close to being upset this weekend was the fact I'm going to have to wait this long.

It's gonna be tough going to half of a year after going a full year.

We'll just see what happens.

HAPPINESS OUT THE WAZOO.

Dylan (as in the one I don't hate.) Said he would come to my birthday party.

HOLY SHIT.

I've never been more excited about a birthday party in my life. You have no idea how happy I am right now.

Oh my God. DFHkldjfha.

Haha, Anyway little freak out over.

-Hannah

xo

Hmmmm.....

I am like sooooooooooo bored and I feel really deprived of human interaction so, if anyone would like to hang out with me... I wouldn't mind... :) no but seriously I really really really want to hang out with someone.