We're changing, and me especially.
This year has been a huge deal for me.
I've learned so much about myself.
I've learned who I am, and who I want to be.
Who my real friends are.
Who I should let go.
And you guys can tell me otherwise, but I know for a fact that we've grown apart.
We hang out with different people.
Friends come, and friends go. That's something I've always told myself.
You guys have stuck around with me longer than anyone has.
It hurts that we've grown apart.
But, I've learned that I don't need you guys to be happy.
That sounded bitchy-er than I had intended, but I didn't mean it that way.
I'm saying that I've learned to find happiness on my own.
And nowadays, with my family issues, school issues, and any other problems I have, I have some kind of hope that everything will turn out okay for me.
I've never known something like that before.
I've found self confidence. Or something close to that.
I'm starting to love myself. Finally.
There's nothing wrong with me, I've learned.
I've grown a lot as a person this year.
And I feel great.
We're going to be seniors next year.
It's a scary thought to me.
Graduating.
Leaving.
Starting again.
But at the same time, it's exciting.
After we graduate, we're not going to see each other that much, we're all going to go in different directions. We're going to meet new people.
We'll find new happiness.
New life.
A reason for being.
Like, I said earlier this year has been a huge deal to me, because honestly, up until these last month, I was miserable.
In fact.
April 2nd. I was going through a lot of shit. I told my parents that I had stopped believing in God. They didn't like it. Not at all. And even now they refuse to believe it. I was stressed because of school, it was awful. I was just really fucking depressed.
And I wanted it to end.
And I had planned on ending it.
April 2nd, 2011. I had every intention to end my life.
I made a post about it on tumblr. I didn't say anything specifically about killing myself. I just told them how depressed and stressed I was, and that I was just going to disappear for a while.
then I logged out. Of everything.
And I sat in my bed for about an hour, and cried. Thought everything over, and as I was about to end it, my phone started buzzing. It was Meghan.
I answered and she was freaking out.
And then everything snapped back into place for me.
I have people to live for.
I have people that love me.
What my parents think of me doesn't matter.
All that matters, is what I thought.
and that night.
I realized that I was a person that was worth while.
No matter what I've told myself in the past, or even what I tell myself now.
I'm worth while.
I'm loved.
People care.
And I saw how much people cared when I got back on tumblr and saw that I had over 60 messages from people I've never met telling me so.
Some were anonymous, others were not.
I know some of you get tired of hearing me talk about my friends on the internet.
But they honestly care about me.
And I love them just as much as I do you guys.
Now I'm losing sight of why I made this post to being with.
It was originally about us growing up. Moving on, and all that.
But now it's just me getting all this off my chest.
Yeah.
We've changed a lot. And there's only more change to come.
Alright.
I think I'm done now.
Damn this was a long post.
and I leave you with this:
Things have changed for me
but that's okay
I'm on my way and I say
Things have changed for me.
And that's okay.
"That Green Gentleman" by Panic! at the Disco
-Hannah
xo
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